threeguesses: ([seinfeld] COFFEE is SEX)
[personal profile] threeguesses

3.  Dominique Breton (1993)


“Marry me,” David says.  They’re eating dry cereal in his apartment because he forgot to buy milk (again).  Miranda’s driver is due to pick her up in less than two minutes. 


She looks at him.  He’s licking his spoon and not meeting her eyes. 


  1. They’ve only been dating for two years.
  2. He smiles all the time.
  3. His kisses remind her of a spin cycle.  
  4. He leaves the toilet seat up.
  5. He has gorgeous eyelashes.
  6. He has questionable opinions about Lycra.
  7. He wants children.
  8. She probably loves him.


She can’t sort them out, the pros and cons.  She needs a pen and paper and time to write it all down, but she doesn’t think he’ll take very kindly to her getting up right now.


“Very well,” Miranda says carefully.  “But if you lick that spoon and stick it to your nose, I may have to reconsider.”




She’s in a meeting for most of the morning, during which David calls her seven times. 


“Did it just occur to you to tell me this now, Dominique, instead of, oh, I don’t know, when he called.” 


“But Miranda,” Dominique squeaks, “you were with Donatella, and you always say not to disturb—”


“I don’t care, just get him on the phone.” 


Dominique does so, and Miranda’s hands aren’t shaking as the call dials through.  They aren’t.


“David,” she says, cutting off his hello, “what, exactly, is so important that you’re calling me at work?”  And she is thinking, oh, please let it be that someone has died.  Please let it be his mother, or mine, or that Wall Street has crashed.  Please don’t let it be that he’s decided he’s made a—


(There is a five second pause along the line, for which she will never forgive him.  Seven years later, in a divorce settlement where she takes everything, Miranda will remember that pause, and she won’t feel guilty.  Not at all.)


“We’ve got to tell our parents,” David says in a rush.  “I’ve just realized that.  And my mom’s going to want a huge wedding, I just know she is, with a rabbi and a cake and a white dress and— Can you even wear white now?  I mean, the second time?  Does that sort of thing matter, or—”


Miranda lets him talk to himself for a full minute while she gets her breath back.




Dominique cowers when Miranda sweeps out of her office.  The second assistant (because Miranda has two now, and that’s how you know when you’ve made it) ducks her head behind the computer monitor. 


“Dominique,” Miranda says, “call Pierre.  I need him to design a wedding dress.”


She is halfway back into her office before she hears Dominique’s soft “congratulations”. 




4.  Sabrina Nair (1996)


“You’re pregnant,” says Irv after the board meeting. 


“No,” Miranda deadpans, “I’m carrying a pillow around under my blouse.  Helps the posture.”


“You’re forty years old and, by all accounts,” Irv hisses, “a horrible and conniving bitch.  I thought we were past this sort of danger.  And now you’re telling me, this late in the game, that I’m going to lose you to the frickin’ joys of motherhood?”


“‘Past this sort of danger’?” Miranda mimics.  “Tell me, Irv – do you actually keep tabs on the status of your female employees’ fertility?  At what age do you consider us out of the woods?  Thirty-seven?  Thirty-nine?”


“Oh, for god’s sakes.”  Irv rolls his eyes.  “How far along are you?”


“Three months.”  Miranda flashes him a vindicated smile.  “It’s twins.”


“Don’t tell me,” moans Irv, walking out of the office.  “I don’t want to know.”




Miranda’s assistant is just clearing out of the elevator when Miranda catches her arm.  “Ride with me, Sabrina,” she says, and nods towards her midsection.  Because, really, that’s the last thing she needs; to be stuck in an elevator alone and—  Not that this girl looks like she’d be much help.  She’s gaping at Miranda like a fish.


“Oh.  Right.  Of course.”  Sabrina tucks herself into a corner.  She’s only been working here a month, and obviously believes Miranda’s temperament to be the result of pregnancy hormones.  Miranda knows that her colleagues are dearly hoping she’ll last long enough to have this precious illusion shattered.


Miranda doesn’t intend to disappoint them.




Two weeks after the twins are born, Miranda comes back to work. 


She fires Sabrina. 




5.  Emily Charlton (2004)


Stephen wants to meet her.  Miranda cannot believe this. 


“She is my assistant,” Miranda hisses.  “She exists to ferry coffee and deliver the Book.  What part of this escapes you?”


“She comes to your home,” Stephen insists.  “Every day.”


“It’s not as if I go to the door to greet her and invite her in for tea and biscuits.  For heaven’s sake.”


“She’s part of your life.”  Stephen trails his fingers down her arm.  “And I want to be involved in all aspects of your life, Miranda.  I want this to be serious.”


Miranda sighs.  “The twins are an aspect of my life.  My mother is an aspect of my life.  Lint is an aspect of my life.  My assistants are not.  Trust me, you do not need to meet them.”


“If you’re sure,” Stephen says.  He drops his hand from her arm.  





1.  Andrea Sachs (2006)


She doesn’t mean to do it, exactly.  Not really.  It’s Andrea’s fifth coffee run of the day, and Miranda just happens to be looking at the clock when she leaves.  And when she comes back in.


“Nine minutes,” she tells Andrea. 


“What?” Andrea tries to blink, but her eyes stay closed too long.  It's late, past her bedtime.  She is so very, very young.


“Nine minutes,” Miranda says impatiently.  “It took you nine minutes to go to Starbucks and back.”


“Sorry?”  Andrea manages to look contrite and confused at the same time.  She shifts uneasily in her stilettos.


It’s well after eleven on a Friday.  The lights have been turned off in the hallway and the custodians have long gone home.  They’re the only ones left in the office. 


Miranda considers.  There are no impressions to make, no new staff members to terrify.  Andrea, certainly, is plenty afraid.  Miranda can see her legs trembling from here.


(Miranda hasn’t had to raise her voice since 1989.)


“If you can do it again in five,” Miranda tells Andrea, “I’ll give you a raise.”




Andrea makes it.  She takes the stairs, both there and back – “interesting tactical decision,” Miranda says to herself, and smiles – and clocks in with thirty-two seconds to spare.  She is panting when she hands Miranda the coffee, her skirt rotated several degrees west. 


When Miranda reaches out to straighten it, Andrea doesn’t jump.  Doesn't start.  Miranda can feel her ribs contracting and expanding with each steady breath.  It isn’t until Miranda brushes her fingertips along the skirt’s seams that Andrea finally shudders, her breath tripping over itself before starting again. 


“Have you—have you ever done this before?” Andrea gasps. 


“No,” Miranda says, and kisses her.



Date: 2008-02-10 08:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm a pretty big fan of five things lists myself--particularly this one. I can just picture Miranda starting out with such a bold move. And how like her, to offer a raise for doing something strange and demeaning. Almost Trump-like. Only classier, of course. And stylish. And I love that Andy is NOT breathing hard but she still made it back faster than the other girl. Awesome!

Date: 2008-02-10 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Miranda is definitely related to Trump in some capacity. She's like... his cooler, prettier, more feminine alter ego.

Date: 2008-02-12 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i could not agree more. also, hotter. *sigh*

Date: 2008-02-10 12:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Amazing. Not sure what else I can write. Please write more Miranda/Andy. Oh, and Irv is an ass.

Date: 2008-02-10 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Irv is indeed an ass. And I will totally write more Miranda/Andy.

Also: Thanks!

Date: 2011-12-16 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
But you only wrote two. My New years wish is you getting new Mirandesque inspiration and find happiness of course.

Date: 2008-02-10 02:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, that was fun.

Lint is as aspect of my life.

THAT, cracked my shit up.

Date: 2008-02-10 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks. I had lots of fun writing it.

Date: 2008-02-10 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh genius! you've got to write another!

Date: 2008-02-10 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I will! I will!

Date: 2008-02-10 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, this was amazing. I was completely captivated by pre-movie Miranda. So perfectly, wonderfully in character.

Date: 2008-02-10 08:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! I love writing back-story fic.

Date: 2008-02-10 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is great.

Nigel stares at her and she can tell from his face that he’s wondering if she’s going to rocket them to the top or fuck them all over.

(He does not, of course, anticipate that she will do both.)

This is my this fandom. I do not know quite what that something is yet (Miranda at work? Miranda with Nigel?), but this is my favorite.

And I adore Miranda on the phone with her second husband-to-be, when she is terrified that he will decide he doesn't want her anymore. Terrified for several different reasons, I expect, and not all of them based on her own feelings for him.

And now you’re telling me, this late in the game, that I’m going to lose you to the frickin’ joys of motherhood?”

Irv is, indeed, an ass. But there's also a twisted sort of camraderie here, although not affection, the knowledge that they've been in this together from the very start. It makes me think of the look Irv gives Miranda during the luncheon--he's pissed at being outmaneuvered, but he also appears impressed by her cunning ("Welp, she did it again").

Your segment on Andy makes me so curious. Is this an AU where Andy doesn't bolt in Paris? Or is Andy still frumpy at this point? Or is it in the long, tedious glamazon-OMG-I'm-losing-my-innocence phase in between?

Again: great fic. I loved it.

Date: 2008-02-10 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, Irv and Miranda. I love their (really really strained) relationship. They were actually going to have a bitter!sex-scene somewhere in this, but it didn't fit with the tone. Oh well. I'll stick it in another fic.

(I also, super secretly, ship Irv/Miranda. I need help.)

As per the Andy question: I actually think she's still back in the frumpy phase here. She seems... too innocent for it to be during the glamazon.

Thanks so much for the comment.

Date: 2008-02-10 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Irv totally wants Miranda, in an ugly, short-man-complex, gotta-get-her-SOMEhow kind of way. I would love to read that story. Oh, and anything else you write.

Date: 2008-02-10 07:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I really liked this! I liked your description of the other assistants so much that the kiss with Andy seemed almost anticlimactic. I just loved your descriptions of Miranda's interactions with other people, and the way she pushed and pulled everyone in her office along with her up to the top. It was just fantastic. Yay. :)

Date: 2008-02-10 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Miranda's just so much fun. I had a ball writing the super!ambitious thirty-year-old version of her. Glad you enjoyed it.

Date: 2008-02-10 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
How fun! From the gawkers watching Miranda's interviews to the assistant who was slightly taller to Miranda's vulnerability over dry cereal to Miranda's hormones being the problem to the lint (I love the lint). And of course, Andy, sprinter Andy who desperately wants her boss.

Date: 2008-02-10 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, that Andy. Willing to run the 100-metre dash for sex (in heels).

Glad you enjoyed. :)

Date: 2008-02-11 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was great -- I love the look at Miranda's rise at Runway.

Date: 2008-02-14 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, Miranda. Stepping on everyone as she climbs to the top.

Date: 2008-02-11 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is very, very cool. I dig younger Miranda, I'm going to have to write that 'But WHY does she hate Jacqueline?' fic one of these days.

Ah, Andy is so cute. *grin* Awesome job.

Date: 2008-02-14 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ooh, are you? I'm excited.

Yeah, Andy's a bit ridiculous. I just want to pat her.

Date: 2008-02-14 07:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yup, yup, it's been on the 'to-write' list for a while. *grin*

Pats for Andy, pats.

Date: 2008-02-13 04:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awesome dude! That was well done.

Date: 2008-02-14 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks. Also - love the icon.

Date: 2008-02-13 05:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was great. I especially love Miranda's put down of Irv and his dangers of motherhood spiel. Plus, the Starbuck's running assistants, of course.

And, if you're interested, I'd love to house the story on my site Passion & Perfection (

Date: 2008-02-14 04:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Cool. I'm totally up for that, house away. Thanks so much.

Date: 2008-02-14 07:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That's great, thanks.

Two very quick questions: did you want it housed under threeguesses or Limelight? And, did you have an e-mail addy you'd like used for feedback?

Date: 2008-02-14 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, Limelight, if you please. And no, unfortunately, I don't have a feedback email. I need to get on that.

Date: 2008-02-13 05:48 pm (UTC)
thatfangirl: (dcu | steph thinks you are rad)
From: [personal profile] thatfangirl
Here via [ profile] thelastgoodname's rec.

This was just excellent. I loved all the backstory and Miranda's characterization was perfect.

Date: 2008-02-14 04:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. Miranda's so tough to do properly.

Date: 2008-08-17 06:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
excellent story that and 1+1=window

i LOVE your back story and characterization of things people rarely focus on with the DWP-verse.

keep writing!

Date: 2009-10-19 06:31 am (UTC)
woldy: (Miranda)
From: [personal profile] woldy
This is a great story! I love the insights into Miranda's career progression and her relationships, and the constant sniping back and forth with Irv :-)

Date: 2009-11-05 11:14 am (UTC)
lokifan: black Converse against a black background (Default)
From: [personal profile] lokifan
Here from [personal profile] woldy's LJ. I really enjoyed this - especially Miranda's difficult beginning, and her giving a raise to Rachel.

Date: 2011-11-12 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow - the best written Miranda ever. The way you imagined her beginnings at Runway was startlingly realistic; popped write off the screen. No one's done a better characterization of her. Breathtaking. ::Laura